EDEN'S END
Title: Eden's End
Author: Starshadow
Pairing: K/S
Rating: R
Summary: Spock ponders how to log the events after Way to Eden
Disclaimer: It's all Paramount's. To them is the profit. To me the
fun. To the kids, too. I personally think they're happier in my
Trekverse. So there. Archiving ASCEML, ASC and the usual, including my
website. All others, please ask. Farfalla excepted. She still has
permission to grab if she wants it.
Beta: Ginger, all mistakes mine.
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My bondmate wishes me to come to bed, to cease castigating myself for
the error in judgment which nearly destroyed his ship. It was my
grievous error that allowed the distraction which nearly cost the
lives of over four hundred men and women and which would have resulted
in the deaths of the young people who were so enthralled by Dr.
Sevrin. Yet I must admit my errors and my lapses of judgment in order
to move beyond them and to learn from them.
"Spock, are you still meditating?" His voice, golden and low, calls to
me. I cannot deny it, or him. When could I deny him anything? I do not
understand how he can feel that I did nothing wrong. I allowed my
emotions and my sympathy to sway my judgment. I go to him, and he
looks up at me with his usual welcoming expression. I touch my fingers
to his and undress, carefully stowing my garments in their proper
places before sliding into his arms. He holds me, sensing my distress
in the remarkable way he manages though he is psi blind. His lips
touch my brow as if in benediction.
I look into his eyes, almost ashamed to face them, but there is no
condemnation therein. "I am sorry, Jim." I say the words anyway.
"Spock, never apologize for thinking the best of people. The kids,
they just got sucked in by a very charismatic, and unfortunately
insane, man."
"And I? I have no such excuse. The truth is, Jim, I allowed my
emotions of sympathy to override my StarFleet training and to override
my training in logic. I wished to believe the best of them, of all of
them. I believed if I could find what they wanted to find, they could
find their place, as I have. Jim, as a follower of the ways of Surak,
I should have known better."
"You're too hard on yourself, love. Look, if I thought you deserved a
reprimand, don't you think I'd put it on your record, no matter what
our bond?"
I frown ruefully. "You have never played favorites. That is true."
"Then have a little faith in me, even if you don't have any in you.
You did what you thought was right, Mr. Spock. If you erred, it was on
the side of the angels. I was caught up in it, too, don't forget. It's
my responsibility, as Captain." He kisses me, then, and suddenly I can
not help myself; I bury my nose in his neck and take deep breaths of
his essence, as if it would wipe clean all the mistakes I had made in
this mission. We make love again as if it were the first time, after
my Time had come and gone and I was no longer in the grip of the
madness that had made a careful courtship impossible.
When we spend, we sleep again. I can not explain to myself how
sleeping in his arms always calmed me even more than the Mind Rules
ever could. It has long been a myth that Vulcans are only capable of
sharing our bodies during our Times. My own mother's existence on
Vulcan belies that myth; yet there are still those who ascribe to it,
as if any human would relegate herself to a loveless existence save
for the Pon Farr madness. And having been through my first Time,
finally, I can say that there is nothing of tenderness nor love in Pon
Farr. I have few memories of that time, yet I was aware from my bond
with Jim that even though he welcomed me, still, I did not care
anything for his comfort nor his release, only for my own, until the
Fever had left me. And though I did not hurt him badly, I still caused
some pain. I would have spared him that. But so it is with my people.
We really have no choice in the matter.
At any rate, I sleep dreamlessly, waking only to my internal alarm,
which tells me that I will need to be on the bridge in one point five
hours and that within two point seven hours after that, we would
arrive at the rendezvous where the young people would be disembarking,
minus Dr. Sevrin and young Adam. When I stir, Jim wakes as well. We
savor our morning kiss and again made love. This gives me no real time
for centering myself by meditation, but oddly enough, I feel centered
anyway.
It does not, however, give me an insight into what I should put in my
official log. I still feel as if I had endangered the ship, and her
crew by my own errors in judgment. Kaiidth. I could not change the past
by wishing I had done otherwise than I had; I could not excuse myself
either. All that I could do was to place my actions in the record and
resolve to make no such errors in the future. I have no doubt I would
make others, perhaps as grievous. Life is about learning.
My bondmate startles me by his apparent ability to read my mind.
"Spock, you are still castigating yourself. Don't log things you'll
regret you had later. Just the facts. Let the record show just the
facts. No doubt we all made mistakes. But we learn from them. It's
only logical, my friend."
I hand him his morning coffee, having gotten ready while I ponder.
"Very well, Captain. I shall place only the facts in my log. However,
I cannot be as sanguine as you. If you do not mind, I will meet you on
the bridge. I have reports to coordinate and must do some extensive
repairs of the systems damaged in Dr. Sevrin's attempts to destroy us
all. That cannot wait."
"No breakfast? Spock, eat something. At least take a food bar for
breakfast. You know Bones'll give me hell for not taking care of you."
To placate him, I take a food bar with me. I take one bite and then
recycle the rest. I am not hungry. And I do not like distractions
while I am working.
I have an opportunity to speak to Ms. Galliulin before she departs. I
tell her I believe she will find her Eden, or make it herself.
Earlier, I had conveyed my sympathies to her companions for the deaths
of their friends. The young people have told me of their resolve to
still look for a place they can make into their own paradise, and I
believe they will do so. I have obtained Ms. Galliulin's comm link;
though all of her companions resent the need for the technology, they
accede its usefulness. I have told them I would look for a suitable
world that they could apply to colonize.
I believe that would be a logical way to atone for my lapses in
judgment. Further, I believe James Kirk to be correct; it is not a
mistake to have sympathy. These are people of character, on their own
pathway.
I resolve to continue my sympathies, but be more careful about
trusting unknowns—and underestimating the mad. It was not entirely my
fault that Dr. Sevrin proved more ingenious than I had thought him to
be, and proven himself to be a charismatic leader. I believe that has
also taught my young friends a lesson, as it has taught me one. We
both benefit from these mistakes.
Meditating that night, I find my balance.