PARTED FROM ME
Title: Parted From Me
Author: Starshadow
Pairing: K/S m/m
Warning: The events that led Spock to Gol, before ST: TMP. Sadness. No happy ending in this story. PWP
Rating:R
Disclaimer: Paramount and Viacom own the two, and made them unhappy by
parting them. I'm just filling in the gaps with why, and making no
money from it. Honest. All contents not copyrighted by other
individuals or entities--which includes the song lyrics at the end--are
copyright me, Starshadow Productions, Ltd. December 2005.
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"Dammit, Spock, this isn't the time or place. I have to get these
reports out today, and I have got a meeting with Admiral Nogura in
about-oh, gods, twenty minutes. Look, I promise I'll be home tonight for dinner. Then I'm all yours. Okay?"
Jim was smiling that charming smile that usually won over his husband's
heart. But Spock hardened his; this was serious and it had to be
addressed. He couldn't very well stand there and make a scene in front of the Admiral's staff, however. So he capitulated.
"Very well, Admiral. 1700 hours then?"
Jim nodded, abashed by the serious manner of the man in front of him.
But when Spock turned and left the office, he rubbed his eyes. He knew
this adjustment hadn't been easy on either of them. But why didn't
Spock understand? He wasn't any spring chicken anymore. Gallivanting
around the galaxy was for the young, wasn't it? He resolutely pushed
their week long argument to the back of his mind. He had to get these
reports out before the meeting.
He managed to be only an hour late. He'd called. Spock was icy as he met him at the door.
They ate in silence. Spock picked at the pasta he'd made and then had
to place into the stasis unit to wait, but in the end pushed his plate
away and sighed. He did not like arguing with his husband. But this was
killing them. Spock was not happy simply guiding cadets through
classes. He did not want a captaincy. He did not feel ready to simply
teach. There was valuable work to do. His father had offered him a seat
in the diplomacy channel and he did not want that-yet-- but it would
help him further his goals he once had held, of working to end the
endless skirmishes and war state between the Federation and Klingon and Rihannsu Empires.
"Jim." Spock was at a loss how to proceed. This constant bickering had
been wearing on them both. Jim's usual response was to end the fight by
hauling Spock into bed, and usually he cooperated, but not tonight.He
would not be distracted. "We MUST talk."
Jim helped his husband recycle the plates and clean the table. "Can't
we talk later, t'hy'la? I've got an awful kink in my neck, and," he
sidled up to the Vulcan and gave him the look, the one Spock usually
found irresistable. Spock steeled himself, while steering Jim to a
chair and working his fingers into the knot he found there. Jim sighed,
relaxing at last.
But the first stage of what usually led to a happy seduction was
interrupted. Spock was like a dog with a bone and would not simply let
go this time. "I cannot do this anymore, Jim. I am losing myself. And
you are losing yourself. This cannot go on."
Jim sighed and didn't answer. Maybe if he just leaned back into his
love's embrace...but Spock had finished and sat down next to him,
steepling his fingers.
"Look, Spock, Nogura says this is temporary. He's going to refit a
ship-not Enterprise, she's going to be a teaching ship, did you know?
Oh, yes, you have to. You're on teaching staff now. Anyway, in a year
or two, we can go back out to diplomatic missions. We have to be
patient. Lori says she's going to work up an itinerary."
"Lori? You've started calling Admiral Ciani 'Lori'?"
"Are you jealous, Spock? I assure you there's nothing.."
Spock interrupted. "Vulcans do not get 'jealous'. I am concerned.
Nogura has thrown you two together for a reason, however. I am not
blind. Nogura has never approved of us. He thinks it breaks down the
command structure. Jim, you know that to be so. How often has he put
out memos about such liasons? If it were not a Vulcan bonding, he would
have been able to separate us long ago. And he would have done so."
"Look, Spock, I know this hasn't been easy for you. Maybe you need some
time off from the Acadamy...some time for yourself. A trip home, maybe."
"And you, Admiral? "
"I have too much work. The quicker I get through it the quicker Nogura will approve our next project."
"Jim, I have resigned from Starfleet. I have made my reservations. I
will be on Vulcan in two point eight weeks' time. I would like you with
me. But if you stay here, I cannot promise to be back. I am losing
myself." *and I am losing you*, he said to himself, shielding so the
thought would not transfer through the bond.
"Spock, I don't understand. I'm just asking you to wait a while. I'm
not going to be a desk jockey permanently! Nogura has promised..."
Spock closed his eyes. He disliked fighting. He disliked the bickering.
But he couldn't see a way past it. "Nogura promises, and you respond
like Pavlov's dog. Has it occurred to you that he has you, the living
legend, right where he wants you? And that he's not going to let that
go without a struggle?"
"You are jealous." It was Jim's turn to be angry. "Damnit, Spock. Can't this wait?"
Spock kept his face impassive. "I have waited. I have waited and said
nothing and watched you change from the dynamic man you were on the
bridge of the Enterprise into Nogura's puppet. I can wait no longer. I have made my decision. Kaiidth."
He pushed back his chair. "I am going for a walk, Jim. Will you come?"
He did not add *Please*. He wanted -what, moonlight kisses?
Reassurance? A tightening of their bond? He wasn't sure. He just felt
the walls closing around him.
But Jim didn't pick up on it. He still thought he could charm his
bondmate out of what he thought was a passing brooding. "You go, Spock.
I'm too tired. Bed, later?"
When Spock returned, having traversed the chill until his coat was no
longer warming him, he let himself in and saw Jim had gone to bed. He
stood over his sprawling body as he undressed, marveling again at the
way this human moved him. The face, relaxed in sleep, the sandy
blond locks touseling the pillow. He slid beneath the covers in a
feline move and cradled the body, always cool to his velvet dry desert
born skin, and spooned him.
Jim turned and half woke and touched his hand, beginning the caress
that always aroused and warmed the Vulcan, whose erection began
growing, pushing from its sheath and pressing against the human's hip,
whose own was responding. Spock wished he had the strength to push him
away. Instead, he faced his darling and began his own slow exploration
of face and chest, and buried his nose in his husband's
silk-cool neck. Their love making was slow and passionate and Spock
felt as if he were drowning in the cool seas. When they slept, finally,
Spock dreamed.
He was in the desert, near where he'd undergone his Kahs'wan ordeal. He
was searching for something. He didn't know what it was, at first, and
he couldn't find it, and was growing frantic. Then he saw Jim and knew
he was looking for his beloved. He ran to him and embraced him,
but to his horror, he felt the body under him grow hot and scaly and he
heard the scream of the le-matya he now held before he pulled away
and saw the fangs going for his throat. He pushed fruitlessly
against its unyielding embrace and woke, sweating.
Jim still slept, unaware. Spock calmed his heart, hammering in his
side, and summoned peace with the mind rules, and slept again.*Vulcans
do not dream,* he thought to himself before going under again.*I am
losing myself.*
When he woke again, though it was early, the bed was empty, and Jim had
gone. Spock sighed and started his day. He still had work to do,
classes to turn over to his replacement, some small packing. He would
not take even mementos when he went to Vulcan, but he would leave them
with Jim, to do with as he wished. There were only a few holos and some
Vulcan statuary Jim had gifted him with over the years. Those, he
bequeathed to his replacement, who would probably donate them to the
Academy museum. Spock needed no encumbrances for his coming journey,
though he had the chains of his bond binding his heart and his soul.
There. All was arranged. Now he had only to extricate himself from the shared apartment.
Jim wasn't due home for hours. He'd begged off on lunch. More
paperwork. Spock made a circle of the space they'd shared since
returning from the Enterprise's five year mission, but could find
nothing worth keeping or saving. He would return his ka'athyra, an
antique, to his parents' home, if Jim did not come with him. Aside from
it and his meditation robes, there was nothing he needed, except
his bondmate. *And he is leaving me* he thought to himself, though physically it was the other way around.
The comm chimed and he answered it. The now bearded face of his old
friend and nemesis smiled at him. "Spocko, m'boy, you're a sight for
sore eyes. Is Jimbo around? "
"Leonard. It is equally gratifying to see you. No, the Admiral is not here. I suggest you try his office."
"I did. He was off with that assistant of his. What's her name? Ciani?
Some lunchtime meeting. It's nothing urgent, Spock." McCoy's sharp eyes
took in the lines appearing in Spock's brow."You look more sombre than
usual, Spock." His tone was serious this time."Are you okay? Anything
an old country doctor can do for you?"
Spock sighed, a small sound that did not go unnoticed. "I am well. I am...tired."
"I'm sorry, Spock. I guess we frail humans forget that Vulcans aren't indestructible. Are you sure there's nothing I can do?"
Spock wasn't certain why he prevaricated, but he saw no need to alarm
his old friend when there truly was nothing he could do. He did not
think Jim's malady--and his--fell into the purview of McCoy's
expertise. They had both spoken to Kirk when he first accepted this
promotion, this farce which was poisoning him slowly. He had not seen
fit to take their advice then. He was not taking Spock's now. No, best
to not bring their old friend into what was proving a fruitless
conflict. He signed off with the excuse of needing to rest, instead,
taking his coat and again walking.
And Kirk, thinking that Spock had given up and settled back down,
failed to see the little ways the Vulcan was excising his presence,
molecule by molecule. Each night he made love to his human, each night
memorizing anew each curve, dimple and pore, each portion of the
landscape that was his love, and each bright thought that met his in
the meld. Jim never knew that Spock was holding himself apart at the
end, that in his inner mind he had already placed his love in a
sepulcher, hoping against hope that he would be able to resurrect it,
but knowing he would have to leave his only love and his t'hy'la behind.
His Bright One.
The last night, he broached the subject once more. "Tomorrow I leave for Vulcan. Will you come?"
Jim, drowsy from their passion and looking most beguiling with his hair
touseled and lips swollen from kisses, hugged Spock. "I can't. Too much
damn paperwork. More than I thought. You go. Have a good time. Give my love to the family."
"I do not think you understand. If you do not come, I will not be coming back."
Jim's eyes flashed. "I thought you'd given up that nonsense. Spock, I love you, but I won't be manipulated."
Spock's eyes closed as he fought to keep his voice steady. "That,
t'hy'la, I will never do." When he opened them, Jim was blinking,
asking wordlessly. "Yes," Spock answered, huskily. "I love you too. But
it is not enough. I cannot watch you die by inches. And I cannot
continue to be untrue to myself. You must do as you must do, as must
I." He touched a hot finger to Jim's lips. "Sleep now. We can talk over
breakfast."
But in the morning, Jim was gone again, leaving a voice note on the comm. He did not think Spock was serious.
Spock dressed in his family's short robe and trousers, the public robes
with the embroidered crest, remembering that it was his mother's
fingers which had stitched the robe. He took only his small personal
grooming supplies. He had made his goodbyes to all else. He fingered
the datachip with the farewell he'd recorded days earlier, knowing in
his heart what Jim's decision would be. He hadn't trusted himself to be
able to speak well enough to record it before he left. He took one last
turn of the apartment, wishing illogically things could have been
different, and picked up the case with his ka'athyra, placed the chip
in the comm unit, and was gone.
And this was the tape Jim found when he got home, feeling the emptiness
that was the lack of the presence of his friend, his lover, his
bondmate. His husband. His life.
"Jim. Do not try to contact me on Vulcan. I go to Gol. By the time you
hear this, I will be committed to becoming a Kohlinaru, and they will
help me break the bond. I do not wish to hold you to my ideals, but our
paths must diverge. I regret that it ends this way. I have
treasured what we had. The gift you gave me of your friendship--and of
your love. Know that I set you free with a full heart, though we will
not see each other again--or if we do, I will have the memories, but
not the emotions associated with them. The path of the Kohlinaru is
that of pure logic and only through that path can I reclaim what I am.
What I do, I do for you as well. If I stayed, I would drown. I would
lose myself. And in the end, your love would be ashes. Better it ends
now, better for both of us. Though I will no longer have the emotions
associated with what we have been, please know that I have been, and
ever shall be, your friend.Live long and prosper, Admiral. Spock out."
Spock's face on the screen, frozen after the last words have been spoken. Was that a tear?
"In love you can't take anything for granted,
Your heart can never promise me forever
And though I never want to see you leave
I know in love there's no guarantees...
Through all of this and all of that
You know that I have always sat
But I will no more, oh, I will no more...
I've waited for your love to show
Through all your weeds
But you need to know
That I will no more, oh, I will no more...
My heart it is not strong enough
And you know that it is not this tough
So I can no more, no I can no more...
I would be there to comfort you
But you know that I would not pull through,
So I can no more, no I can no more..."
----------Lyrics from "No
Guarantees" by
Joey Pearson.
(c) Trackstar Landmark Entertainment, all rights reserved. Used with permission.