WHEN IT CHANGED
Title: When It Changed
Author: Starshadow
Pairing: TOS, K/S
Rating R
for implied m/m sex and self-love overheard.
Disclaimer: Owned by Entities
ParaViaBorg. I get to take 'em out of
the box and play with them, but no infringement is implied or meant.
All contents not copyright them are copyright me, Starshadow
Productions, Ltd. Contains implications of m/m sex and overheard
masturbation. Don't read if this bugs you. Don't use or administer
to invalids unless it'll make 'em jump out of bed all hot to
trot. Contains entire sentences. Not for profit.
Feedback welcome: starshadow
AT starshadow DOT net
Beta: Tony Pearson, mistakes mine.
Archive: ASCEML,
ASC, and the usual, all others please ask.
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My life changed forever that day. I
remember it clearly; how could I
not? I had been science officer under
Captain Christopher Pike and I thought I understood humans. So many of them
tried to get me to
conform to their way of thinking, the touching and the
smiling they
did so easily among themselves. They are not touch telepaths as
my
people are. Some of them resented me for not "joining in", but
their
dislike never concerned me.
One of the worst for that was Gary
Mitchell. There was something
...predatory...about him. He had tried to get
close to me when he was first posted as Second in Command. There was nothing
improprietous in his demeanor, and he did not pressure me when I declined to
involve myself with him, but the undercurrent was there, as was
the invitation. I was not, as so many thought me, sexless. I did
not involve myself with ship's personnel; in a small community such as
a starship, any such liaison would have prompted gossip and more, even if
the potential partner were discreet. I experimented, as all young do. But I
did it only when the ship was docked at some port or other, receiving
maintenance which required ship's personnel to be offdecks.
My shipmates
simply assumed I holed myself up with science journals, since I did read
them. But there were always places that catered to those who wished their
privacy above all else. I paid for
companionship in such places, but
discretion was assured, as was
cleanliness, and a willing companion, since I
would not occupy my time with a jaded courtesan, but only one who enjoyed his
work. For the companions I invariably chose were male, not female, though I
had been bonded to a female as a child. That bonding did not concern me;
my dalliances were apart from it, and in any case, I was scarcely aware of
the link, so tenuous it was. In those days, I hoped to be spared its
necessity. I was yet ten years older than any other Vulcan pre pon farr, and still the
link had not pulled me.
I think Mitchell sensed that. Certes it was that
he was attracted to
me. But the attraction was less that of a physical nature
than a
desire to prove he could have anything he wanted. He set himself
to
win both women and men. I saw that of him. And though he could be
and was generous to his friends and his lovers, I could see that
predatory aspect of him. I wanted no part of it, or him.
Still, we
worked together well enough. He was professional on the
bridge, except for a
disturbing need to banter with those he worked
with. He pointedly excluded me
from his banter, for which I was
acutely grateful. It was difficult enough
working with these emotional beings. Captain Pike and Doctor Piper were the
only two I felt comfortable around. They each knew not to breach my
boundaries and did not touch me unless necessary. Captain Pike and I even
played chess together. He had a quick mind, though he could not hope to
defeat me, of course. Still, he played well, and did not make my winning a
quick or easy task.
I was shortly to meet my match.
I had been,
as I said, on the bridge that day, when the new CO was to be introduced. It
was the middle of my shift when he chose to come to the bridge. He told me
later he'd wanted to see each of us as we worked, and to get a feel for our
dynamics as individuals and as a team. And he was curious.
I was not
prepared for the charm of his smile, nor the unexpected
warmth of it and of
him. I straightened when the door from the
turbolift opened, having been bent
over my viewer. I need not have
feared that he would attempt to take my hand.
Apparently he had
learned how to greet Vulcans. He did not attempt the
ta'al-- he has
never fully mastered it even yet--but he nodded at me and
smiled and it was all I could do to simply incline my head and return his
gaze with my face held to Vulcan norm. I was surprised when he commented
on the research I had been doing in my lab. My xenology research is
an adjunct to the computer work I do on the bridge, and arises from
the data we have been collecting on our travels in uncharted space. He was
as knowledgeable as I on the latest research on xenobiology.
But his
physical presence was not what I expected. It was as if
Earth's sun shone
from his eyes. Hazel is the name of the color
Standard has for them. It is
woefully inadequate. I have seen his eyes go from brown to steely grey, and
when he is aroused, there are flecks of both green and gold in their depths,
like the ocean I used to walk beside when I went to Starfleet Academy in San
Francisco, on my mother's home planet. That day they sparkled with gold
flecks and bathed me in their warmth. It was difficult to clamp down on my
sudden desire for him. But I did it, my ancestors alone knowing the depths
of the deception I had to use to myself to not go weak at my knees.
If
he had asked me to share his bed at that or any time I would have
done so
with no hesitation. But I gave no hint of my desire. I clamped down my
controls; I spent many hours in front of my Watcher that night and every
night, as I heard him through our adjoining bulkheads. I had cause then to
curse the hearing granted me by my heritage, when I heard him masturbate at
night or in the mornings. Such would have given me no relief. I am Vulcan,
after all. Physical sensation unshared will not release those of my race. We
do not need to meld--but even to feel another mind as we share our bodies,
even unlinked, there is release.
And so I held my shields in place, I
ignored the noises I heard and I
set aside the pain I felt when he shared his
bed with another. He was not mine; I was bonded to another. And yet I dared
hope, dared to dream that someday this would change, some times in the
darkness of my quarters in the hours in which he slept.During ship's daytime
it was easier to banish such thoughts, easier to tell myself there was
no logic in hoping or dreaming.
I grew to lie to myself and to
convince myself that the growing
friendship he exhibited to me was enough. On
such are built the walls of self-deception and on such sands those walls
sometimes fall,
sometimes with disastrous results, as on the day I thought I
had
killed him, that terrible day when I thought I had lost everything
I
had so carefully constructed. Losing the Bond with T'Pring was no
loss at all, but I believed I had killed him in my madness. And I knew
the fever would come back, though broken for now. But I had lost more.
I had killed not only my Captain, but my friend, and more. I had killed my
One. It did not matter if he did not know and did not share my knowledge that
he was the One for me, I could have died with peace, knowing that I had lived
some of my days basking in his warmth.
So when I returned to the ship that had been my home, I assumed it was
all over for me. I would be arrested, I would stand trial and I would
plead guilty--there could be no excuse for the crime I had committed,
under Federation law--though I knew that on Vulcan a male in Plak Tow
is accounted legally insane and cannot be prosecuted for any injury or
death he causes. I was ready to forsake
Vulcan as it had forsaken me all my life, and live by the consequences
of the choices I had made.
Instead, my dreams were answered. He was alive. My Golden One. My
One. And more--we touched, and my control was so shaken that I laughed as
I had not done since I had been a small child. And more. My shields
were down, and I touched his thoughts, unbidden, something I would not
have willingly done, had I been fully myself. And I found he wanted
me, too. And when we went back to the bridge and my outward composure
was in place, I could feel his thoughts still, for unbidden, a bond
had formed between us both. And more, he welcomed it. Wanted it.
Wanted me, hungered for me as I hungered for him.
It was exquisitely
joyful pain to wait until alpha shift was over, but
somehow I did it. And
when he came to me, after, I could scarce
believe it.
But it was so.
We did not Join, then. We simply held each other. I
knew my Time would come
and though I did not wish to harm him, he was so open to me, and he took
command with me there, as well. He told me to trust him, as though I had a
choice in the matter. He talked to me of logic, and of passion--as if he had
been born to Vulcan. He had done some research, he said. He knew how it would
be. And he was not afraid.
And that is how my life changed
forever.